It is cold an rainy today in Brazil as I am writing this. The high today is a bone chilling 65 degrees. I am sitting here in long pants and my OP fleece, with socks and Birkenstock. I worry that I am losing my mountain resistance to cold. I am also unsure what to write about today, unsure what to talk about from the past week and a half. I rode a language roller coaster again this week. I had my first real experience of saudade (a Portuguese word for a mixture of nostalgia and homesickness) ever in my life. The protests in Brazil are all over the news. I am behind on my internship homework. I am going to start teaching lessons and leading activities, which is both scary and exhilarating. I think that I have finally come down from the Honey moon phase of this adventure. life here is finally real, and that is amazing, and terrifying, and sad and perfect, and confusing, and exactly where I want to be.
A few weeks back my parents collected several letters form my close family, and sent them to me. Because we both have very little experience with foreign post and Brazilian mail I advised them to send it Care of Outward Bound Brazil. My address in the City is also very complicated for someone who is used to simple rural addresses. the letters arrived successfully. However, the Outward Bound headquarters are located about two hours outside of the city. It took about another week and a half for the letters to finally get to me. When I read the letter I had my first experience with saudade in a long time.
I am going to preference this by saying that I am not one to get homesick. My parents say that I was ready to leave the nest by about age 12. I am no stranger to leaving home for extended periods of time, and as I have gotten older my intervals between home have continued to increase, and my time spent home has shortened. I like to think of myself as a wandering spirit, and prodigal son of sorts. I am self identified as fiercely independent.
The letters were filled with pride and excitement at my adventure, overflowing with love. I had read the letters at the end of a particularly stressful day and that was enough to push me over the edge. That is not to say that I cried or broke down but I had a realization of a different kind. I became deeply aware of how much I am loved, and how valuable that is. I wanted to be able to return that love. Sometimes I think I can be callus with my independent streak, like I am responding to this outpouring of affection by leaving. That was part of my epiphany, and the main reason that I felt homesick, I wanted to return all the support I had been given. It was a really powerful experience for me and one that will not be soon forgotten.
on a separate note the eternal roller coaster ride that is my Portuguese was particularity wild this week. Most of this week was spent doing presentations to the parents of the kids potentially going on this coming trip. during one of these presentations the room was packed full and since I was not giving the presentation, I sat out with another instructor and talked to some of the other kids in the school. One guy was particularly interested, we talked for a while about the program and differences between Brazil and the USA. The topic of conversation was totally normal for me but was different was that the conversation was smooth. The conversation flowed, I was able to give answers that were easily understood, and I easily understood his comments. I was really happy with myself, a solid improvement from my first week and even my first expedition. Later that week I was a part of a big meeting on Azimute as a program, and I was quickly humbled from my previous high.
We went to a rich part of the city. I immediately felt out of place. the streets were lined with fancy apartments and towering office buildings. the people walking on the street were clearly different form the people I interact with and encounter on a regular basis. they were all in fancy cloths, pastel colored button down shirts. all the gates had guards and electric wiring at the top. they walked with a pride that I only see on people who are ignorantly affluent, and affluently ignorant. I by contrast, was wearing the same pair of shorts I had been wearing for the last three days, with a ratty shirt, smelling a little of B.O. and wild hair ( it was particularly humid that day and my hair was feeling fiercely independent). We walked into as office building to go meet with the rest of the group. we had to stop at a reception desk, because the entrance to the stairs and elevators were guarded by gates and door men. We had to get guest passes to be allowed into the building. We needed to show some identification to get the pass. I had however like a good old ignorant american forgotten my copy of my passport. I normally carry a copy of it in my pack at all times however today it was not with me. I felt the heat of some serious judging looks (deservedly so).
However, eventually we got our passes and went upstairs. We met the rest of our crew in the offices of RedBull. I would have been excited but in reality I felt dirty and out of place. Everything in the office was clean and modern and chic, and fancy. it had the vibe of the ignorantly affluent, of the exclusionary. Thankfully we left the RedBull offices and went to a cafe down town.
I thought that the meeting was incredibly powerful and valuable. The meeting was a kind of mission audit of the program. we examined where the project has been, where we see it going and what we want it to do, as well as the difficulties, and triumphs we had experienced with it. The process was really interesting for me but only in a nerdy scholarly way. I will save all of you who aren't studying group dynamics and debriefing techniques the boredom of my interest. However, the conversation was about complex ideas and I felt a little overwhelmed. I was able to contribute to the conversation and understood a fair deal but I still felt less than capable. my responses were often broken and stuttered, and I wasn't able to gather all the finer details of the conversation. I was frustrated and humbled and I have increased my practice, and vocab drills.
The protests here are big news. They are happening all over the country in all the major cities. They originally started over the insane prices of public transportation and the recent rate increase. it is now 3.20 per trip. which is really expensive, especially for the people who need public transportation the most. it cost 6.40 a day just for the person to go to work, and that is if they don't have to change buses or trains. On top of the ridiculous prices the system is plagued by over crowding and delays. I have recently had the pleasure of experiencing the train system during rush times and it is unreal. Every single car is packed to bursting point. People rush and push to get on the trains it is a mini stampead every time a car door opens. I thankfully have the luxury of not having to rush to my job but for other people, their only for of transportation is stressful crowded and expensive. The protests have quickly evolved into anger over the general culture of corruption in government in Brazil. As well as, frustration over lack of general public infrastructure and care while the country is spending tons of money on new stadiums. Brazil will be hosting the world cup in 2014 and the summer Olympics in 2016. The country has these massive building projects when many feel they should be spending the money on public needs. I can really sympathize with the frustrations of the protesters. Though the protests have been mostly nonviolent, there has been news of harsh police responses with riot gear and tear gas, and news of vandalism form the protesters. In general the protests remind me of the Occupy wall street protest a few years ago. I have not been participating in the protests for obvious reasons.
I am behind on my internship homework which is frustrating. I emailed my professor and she told me not to worry which has lifted a lot of stress from my shoulders. My main issue is that I have to do the homework in English and after spending hours writing papers in English it takes a few hours to switch back into Portuguese.
The end of this month I will be going on my second trip. this time to the mountains. I will also be going on this trip in a semi instructor role. the past trip I was mostly just a shadow instructor. I am extremely excited. I will even be teaching some of the lessons. I WILL BE TEACHING BACKPACKING IN PORTUGUESE TO BRAZILIAN YOUTH. I will not be doing the major stuff like the evening circles or navigation but I will be doing simpler hard skill lessons like, stoves, and pooping, and packing a pack and leave no trace. I am so excited it will be the biggest test of my language abilities yet. I have been spending time with my dictionary and Google translate making notes for my lessons. I still struggle with masculine and feminine endings. However I am still beyond excited at this opportunity and I want to do an amazing job.
All this, is finally starting to feel natural for me. I have left the honeymoon phase and that is exactly where I want to be. This is where the real development starts to happen. I can see clearly where I am lacking, and where I have opportunities to improve. I am ready to tackle the challenges set in front of me with a focused energy, that before was a little diluted by the surrealness of what I was doing. I am excited and energized and focused, hopefully this will be a productive combination. I have a hard time believing that at the end of this month I will have reached the halfway point of this amazing adventure. Sometimes I feel like I just got off the plane.
I am going to preference this by saying that I am not one to get homesick. My parents say that I was ready to leave the nest by about age 12. I am no stranger to leaving home for extended periods of time, and as I have gotten older my intervals between home have continued to increase, and my time spent home has shortened. I like to think of myself as a wandering spirit, and prodigal son of sorts. I am self identified as fiercely independent.
The letters were filled with pride and excitement at my adventure, overflowing with love. I had read the letters at the end of a particularly stressful day and that was enough to push me over the edge. That is not to say that I cried or broke down but I had a realization of a different kind. I became deeply aware of how much I am loved, and how valuable that is. I wanted to be able to return that love. Sometimes I think I can be callus with my independent streak, like I am responding to this outpouring of affection by leaving. That was part of my epiphany, and the main reason that I felt homesick, I wanted to return all the support I had been given. It was a really powerful experience for me and one that will not be soon forgotten.
on a separate note the eternal roller coaster ride that is my Portuguese was particularity wild this week. Most of this week was spent doing presentations to the parents of the kids potentially going on this coming trip. during one of these presentations the room was packed full and since I was not giving the presentation, I sat out with another instructor and talked to some of the other kids in the school. One guy was particularly interested, we talked for a while about the program and differences between Brazil and the USA. The topic of conversation was totally normal for me but was different was that the conversation was smooth. The conversation flowed, I was able to give answers that were easily understood, and I easily understood his comments. I was really happy with myself, a solid improvement from my first week and even my first expedition. Later that week I was a part of a big meeting on Azimute as a program, and I was quickly humbled from my previous high.
We went to a rich part of the city. I immediately felt out of place. the streets were lined with fancy apartments and towering office buildings. the people walking on the street were clearly different form the people I interact with and encounter on a regular basis. they were all in fancy cloths, pastel colored button down shirts. all the gates had guards and electric wiring at the top. they walked with a pride that I only see on people who are ignorantly affluent, and affluently ignorant. I by contrast, was wearing the same pair of shorts I had been wearing for the last three days, with a ratty shirt, smelling a little of B.O. and wild hair ( it was particularly humid that day and my hair was feeling fiercely independent). We walked into as office building to go meet with the rest of the group. we had to stop at a reception desk, because the entrance to the stairs and elevators were guarded by gates and door men. We had to get guest passes to be allowed into the building. We needed to show some identification to get the pass. I had however like a good old ignorant american forgotten my copy of my passport. I normally carry a copy of it in my pack at all times however today it was not with me. I felt the heat of some serious judging looks (deservedly so).
However, eventually we got our passes and went upstairs. We met the rest of our crew in the offices of RedBull. I would have been excited but in reality I felt dirty and out of place. Everything in the office was clean and modern and chic, and fancy. it had the vibe of the ignorantly affluent, of the exclusionary. Thankfully we left the RedBull offices and went to a cafe down town.
I thought that the meeting was incredibly powerful and valuable. The meeting was a kind of mission audit of the program. we examined where the project has been, where we see it going and what we want it to do, as well as the difficulties, and triumphs we had experienced with it. The process was really interesting for me but only in a nerdy scholarly way. I will save all of you who aren't studying group dynamics and debriefing techniques the boredom of my interest. However, the conversation was about complex ideas and I felt a little overwhelmed. I was able to contribute to the conversation and understood a fair deal but I still felt less than capable. my responses were often broken and stuttered, and I wasn't able to gather all the finer details of the conversation. I was frustrated and humbled and I have increased my practice, and vocab drills.
The protests here are big news. They are happening all over the country in all the major cities. They originally started over the insane prices of public transportation and the recent rate increase. it is now 3.20 per trip. which is really expensive, especially for the people who need public transportation the most. it cost 6.40 a day just for the person to go to work, and that is if they don't have to change buses or trains. On top of the ridiculous prices the system is plagued by over crowding and delays. I have recently had the pleasure of experiencing the train system during rush times and it is unreal. Every single car is packed to bursting point. People rush and push to get on the trains it is a mini stampead every time a car door opens. I thankfully have the luxury of not having to rush to my job but for other people, their only for of transportation is stressful crowded and expensive. The protests have quickly evolved into anger over the general culture of corruption in government in Brazil. As well as, frustration over lack of general public infrastructure and care while the country is spending tons of money on new stadiums. Brazil will be hosting the world cup in 2014 and the summer Olympics in 2016. The country has these massive building projects when many feel they should be spending the money on public needs. I can really sympathize with the frustrations of the protesters. Though the protests have been mostly nonviolent, there has been news of harsh police responses with riot gear and tear gas, and news of vandalism form the protesters. In general the protests remind me of the Occupy wall street protest a few years ago. I have not been participating in the protests for obvious reasons.
I am behind on my internship homework which is frustrating. I emailed my professor and she told me not to worry which has lifted a lot of stress from my shoulders. My main issue is that I have to do the homework in English and after spending hours writing papers in English it takes a few hours to switch back into Portuguese.
The end of this month I will be going on my second trip. this time to the mountains. I will also be going on this trip in a semi instructor role. the past trip I was mostly just a shadow instructor. I am extremely excited. I will even be teaching some of the lessons. I WILL BE TEACHING BACKPACKING IN PORTUGUESE TO BRAZILIAN YOUTH. I will not be doing the major stuff like the evening circles or navigation but I will be doing simpler hard skill lessons like, stoves, and pooping, and packing a pack and leave no trace. I am so excited it will be the biggest test of my language abilities yet. I have been spending time with my dictionary and Google translate making notes for my lessons. I still struggle with masculine and feminine endings. However I am still beyond excited at this opportunity and I want to do an amazing job.
All this, is finally starting to feel natural for me. I have left the honeymoon phase and that is exactly where I want to be. This is where the real development starts to happen. I can see clearly where I am lacking, and where I have opportunities to improve. I am ready to tackle the challenges set in front of me with a focused energy, that before was a little diluted by the surrealness of what I was doing. I am excited and energized and focused, hopefully this will be a productive combination. I have a hard time believing that at the end of this month I will have reached the halfway point of this amazing adventure. Sometimes I feel like I just got off the plane.
No comments:
Post a Comment